You've never met anyone who thinks like I do.
You spend so much time looking for the answers to life - for some kind of transcendental magic that will make everything make sense, for some higher spiritual plane, for some universal connection. The places you look and the people you look to, all they can offer you is different ways to grovel in the mud and pretend it's Cloud Nine. These people who grovel in the mud look up to people who think like I do and resent the fact that they have to look up, when all they'd have to do to see eye to eye is to stand on their own two feet.
You want transcendental magic? You've already got it, all you'll ever need, between your own ears. It doesn't and can't exist anywhere else. Just stand up out of the muck and look me in the eye, as an equal. Look yourself in the eye, look at what is really there, and how you - and only you - put it there. Look at what you want to be there, and how you - and only you - can put it there.
You want a higher spiritual plane? Just stand up and say I - I think, I know, I want. There's nothing higher than "I". It's higher than anything you can imagine - it makes heaven look like little more than a manger with a straw mat.
You want connection? Individuals are connected, members of herds are absorbed. I am connected, we are consumed.
You say you need a friend? I've been nothing but. But friendship has to be earned. It is not handed out to you because you need it - nothing of value ever is, and nothing that is is ever of value. Be someone capable of saying "I" and really meaning it - and of understanding everything implied by "I" - and you'll earn my friendship.
You think I've been judging you? Well, I have, but not in the way you think. "Judgement is evaluation, not condemnation." Judgement is the act of assessing the value of something, nothing more, nothing less. I do it for everything and everyone I encounter - it's part of the way I think. I don't expect you to give a damn about my judgement of you, because you shouldn't. But until you can say "I" - without defiance, anger, fear, or apology - you will always be afraid of the judgement of others. And that fear will always be trying to pull you back down into the muck.
I value friends, but I can do without them if need be. If you can't, people like me will always have power over you. I appreciate when people judge me well, but their judgement is not responsible for how I see myself. If your self-esteem is dependent on how others see you, then people like me will always have power over you. But people like me don't want that power. Power over others is of no value to people like me.
Power is incompatible with connection, cooperation, friendship. I don't hate you, I don't reject you, and I'm not out to get something from you, but you're of little value to me if I have power over you. If that is a paradox for you, then we won't ever really be friends, not in the way I consider myself a friend to those I mentioned above - those I know personally and some of those linked in my blogroll, none of whom I've ever met and some of whom have barely ever heard my name.
Email me, and we'll chat. We'll talk about the weather, the job, "issues", whatever. But if you bring fear to it, your fears will be realized. If you bring distrust, you will be betrayed - whatever I actually do or don't do. If you bring need, you'll never stop apologizing. If you just bring yourself - your self - then we can talk.